How to fix a man

Contradictory to popular belief, women like to fix things more than men. Just look at Olivia Pope, she's a professional fixer for goodness sake! But unlike Ms. Pope, most women make one project their absolute favorite - men.

How many times have you heard your girlfriends say something like, "I know he doesn't always do right, but I can change him" or "He'll stop (insert negative action) if I stay with him long enough because he loves me".

This might be true in very few cases, but in most scenarios - a woman can not fix a man. Sorry. It might be hard to hear, but it is the truth. My personal experiences have helped me learn this for sure. Men are stubborn creatures and we don't always want to do the things that we should. When it comes to relationships, people always say that women mature at a faster rate than men and I somewhat believe that this is true. It sort of helps me understand why women are usually more comfortable with being in a serious relationship earlier in life and why they believe that men can meet them halfway.

The thing that I think get's forgotten in most cases is that a man is really only going to change when he wants to. No amount of pressure or convincing is going to speed the process up. He may play the part or pretend to be the person you're asking for, but he won't truly be that person until he's made the decision for himself.

I only know this because that was exactly how I lived my life for a long time. The comfort of a relationship was appealing to me but being faithful was something that I struggled with for a while. What didn't help me at the time was the fact that I was forgiven, time and time again for my wrongdoings. Honestly, I would have probably learned a better lesson if someone would have just called me out on my BS instead of giving me continuous chances to 'do better'.

In my opinion, the best way to truly fix a man that has problems with being faithful is to just leave him alone. Let him learn his lessons the hard way, but don't let those lessons come at your expense every single time.

***What do you think? Is there any real value in continuously trying to convince a man to do better in a relationship or do you agree that leaving him alone is the better option? I'd love to see your opinions in the comments below!***

*This article was originally featured on Afrochicmomprenuer.com*
Why Men Cheat

I have a theory that I have believed for a long time, that broken people help to create more broken people. What do I mean by that? I think that the act of cheating creates a vicious cycle in most cases because the person who gets cheated on will eventually go out and cheat on someone else. And sadly, this is something that I am very familiar with.

I always like to talk about the dirt that I've done in the past. When I was in high school I had my fair share of relationships and 'extra-curricular' activities. I pledged KAΨ while I was in college and this caused my social scene exposure to skyrocket. That caused a few problems for me because I was always at parties and greek events that brought me into contact with a lot of people. I had a girlfriend named Lisa, at the time, but I was never in any state of mind to actually be "faithful". I feel somewhat sorry for her because she was at a disadvantage from the very start of our relationship, but she never really knew it.

All of my earlier relationships ended because of infidelity, but it was because my girlfriends were the ones doing the cheating - yes, women cheat as well. Shocking right? You probably don't believe me so I'll give you a few examples. A girl I was with for a little while named Sonya cheated on my with my own cousin and then 3-way called me with him on the phone to confess about it. Another girl I dated, Nina, was a few years older than me and my family didn't really like her too much, but I loved her. We dated for a while until she had sex with one of her exes at a party and her friends told me about it.

My next serious relationship was with a girl named Tasha. She was kind of a special case because we dated off and on and went to different schools. I used to joke about how innocent I thought she was. She had a brief fling with a guy that I knew before we ever dated (a fling that never quite went away). And in between one of our breakups she had a very risqué rendezvous with one of my best friends. To top it all off, I ended up getting engaged to Lisa while I was in college and as life would have it, she had sex with one of her exes about 2 weeks later. Chalk that up to karma or the broken people cycle.

Whatever the case, relationships are hard enough, but I feel like we make them infinitely harder when we continue these cycles of brokenness. Broken people often seek out other broken people, and sometimes when they don't find another broken person they consciously or subconsciously create another broken person.

I was the "victim" many times in my early relationships, but at some point I decided that I would just do the cheating myself instead of waiting to get my feelings hurt, because I just knew that it would eventually happen. In hindsight, that was probably not so smart of an idea. Regardless of that fact, I think it's important for us to be open and honest with ourselves in these situations. I wish I would have convinced myself that what happened wasn't my fault and that I didn't have to be unfaithful just to protect myself.

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Be honest with me. What do you think about cheating? Do you think people do it because it happened to them or is that just an excuse? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!





4 things I learned from my wife's cancer scare

Marriage vows are promises that we make to our soon-to-be spouses during the wedding ceremony. Most of us say these things with all intentions of reaching 'until death do us part'... But, what happens when "in sickness and in health" becomes a relevant vow much earlier than you expected?

Do you stay or walk away?

This was the case in my marriage. 3 years ago, in 2012, when I married my best friend I didn't really expect to have many issues since we were both in our 20's and seemed to be in tip-top shape. Little did I know that about 1 year into our marriage a heart problem that my wife had a while back would decide to rear its ugly head again. A few doctor visits and an internal heart scope discovered that there was actually nothing to fear and that her heart was in great shape after all.

*Sigh of Relief*

The health scares were over...

Until one day in 2014, when she found out that she had a large nodule growing on her thyroid gland. We were told that in most cases they were harmless, but in some case they could be cancerous. I don't know about you, but "Your wife may have thyroid cancer" was not particularly high up on my list of things that I ever wanted to hear.

Over the course of another year she had to go to the hospital numerous times for painful biopsy procedures, consultations, ultrasounds, and x-rays. All of which failed to give a clear and concise diagnosis, and this meant that surgery was the only option since it was still growing. She ended up getting half of her thyroid removed in 2015 and I am happy to report that it was diagnosed as a non-cancerous mass.

I know that I told you guys that I don't love my wife, but that is beyond false. These ordeals actually helped me become a better husband and played a part in making our marriage stronger during the process. I realized that 4 simple truths helped me get through everything we experienced and I wanted to share them with you.

1. It's not their fault.
One of the first things I had to do was help my wife understand that what she was going through was not her fault. She was understandably upset a lot of the time because she didn't think it was fair that she had to experience something so serious at such a young age. She would also constantly apologize to me because she believed that she was damaged goods and that she wasn't the woman I signed up to spend the rest of my life with. To me, that sounded crazy because I knew that I loved her no matter what. There are some men out there that would leave their wives if anything was wrong with them though so I could understand her fear. I had to assure her that I was not one of those men and I would never leave her during her time of need because I meant my vows.


2. Be there for them.
I had to really dig deep and keep my wife's needs in the forefront before, during, and after her surgery. I did whatever was necessary to make sure that she was comfortable and taken care of. I handled everything around the house and didn't complain while I did it. That's important to remember, do not complain. Your spouse probably already feels bad enough that you're in the position that you have to cater to them in the first place - complaining will do nothing but make them feel worse. The last thing you want to do is make them feel as if they are a burden.

3. Be understanding.
If nothing else, I have learned that you have to develop patience very quickly within a marriage. It is all too common for partners to become frustrated with each other in the midst of extremely stressful situations. Staying level headed and showing empathy goes a long way. At the end of the day my wife really appreciated the fact that I didn't let her stress affect me in any type of way that would cause me to get frustrated with her.

4. Always be ready for anything.
I think the most valuable thing I learned was how important it is to be ready for anything. You can never predict how a relationship will turn out, and that's part of the beauty of it. I think that some people paint out a perfect picture of how things are supposed to be and if they don't happen exactly that way, they can't handle the deviation and immediately head for the exit. I chose to put my faith in God and in the belief that my wife and I could handle whatever was to come because we would work through it together. I never let myself view the health issues as her problem - it was always our problem, and now it's our story.

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Has something similar happened in your marriage or relationship?
How did you handle that experience?

***This article was also featured on the Huffington Post***